Blog entry | 31 july | 2022

Letting go of the past is much harder than you think.
What I’m learning from it by giving myself permission to be me in the process.

Since parting ways with my past corporate life during the summer of 2020, I discovered the transition itself into a full time visual artist, has been a lot more challenging than anticipated. Mostly due to the emotional baggage I hadn’t realized I carried. I still have work related nightmares, waking up feeling the anxiety + stresses associated to folks who didn’t think twice about making me feel like shit, so they could feel better about themselves. Could this possibly be my own version of PTSD? Or is this a normal + expected process for those in a similar situation? Maybe a little bit of both.

Something my university education never prepared me for, let alone millions of others out there, was how to deal with other complicated humans who carry as much emotional baggage as the person next to them (myself included, mind you). Don’t get me wrong, despite some extremely bad experiences, I did have some of the most incredible, positive experiences that I still cherish + am forever grateful for. But for whatever reason, my brain continues to focus on the bad experiences these days. I want to believe it is my subconscious letting go of the past to allow more room for good things to come into my future.

A former colleague + friend of mine who I’ve not spoken to for many years, taught me at the beginning of my design career to keep marching forward + do my best not to look back, once I made a decision about something. At that time, I found the advice to be silly + fruitless. Now, I think about him + his advice almost daily, reminding me to let go of the past, and keep moving forward. If he only knew how much that tiny bit of advice stuck with me for well over 2 decades, I bet he would be a happy camper. So where ever you may be on this planet, Param – many thanks.

Blog entry | 31 july | 2022

So as I celebrate my 2 year anniversary this month of marching by the beat of my own drum, here are some things I’m discovering + giving myself permission to do as I cruise along (in no particular order):

• My job title never defined who I was, like I was led to believe. It only fed my ego + misguided me into misunderstanding what the true definition of “success” was. My design contributions, client relationships + friendships, artistic expressions are what define who + what I have always been about.
  
  
• Like every other human, I’ve made mistakes in the past also. I continuously work on forgiving myself for it. I move on because I cannot change the past. I can only change how I approach similar situations differently in the now.
  
  
• Giving myself permission of not being such a perfectionist while maintaining a level of quality + consistency with what I create is what makes me happy. This is a constant work in progress, but like I’ve mentioned on my artist statement – my body of work frees me + reminds me that I am human, the most perfect imperfection in existence.
  
  
• I don’t hold grudges against folks who were never nice to me. Like the old saying goes, “haters be hating”. Which leads to the next bullet point.
  
  
• I have learned to distance myself from folks who have a propensity for loathing + destruction, both self imposed + towards others. Establishing clear boundaries has been instrumental, specially for someone like me who is always wanting to help others out.
  
  
• Learning to not give a F@$k about what others think has been paramount to my personal growth. I no longer seek approval from anyone anymore. If I did, I wouldn’t be where I am right now in the first place.
  
  
• Feeling vulnerable is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness like I was led to believe. It is a critical part of leading by example, being held accountable + recognizing the inadequacies of being human in a very complicated world.
  
  
• We are very much creatures of habit, so this one has been a work in progress as well. Learning to embrace the idea that I no longer have to adhere to a “9 to 5” schedule. I need to constantly remind myself that I’m free to move about my own cabin. (yes, a little aviation geeky humor here)
  
  
• Last, but not least, giving myself permission to be me + being more open about where I come from. I was not born here. My perspective of life is MUCH different than those whose families have been here for generations. I realize this now. Sounds simple, but far from it. I’ve hidden behind my American accent as I yearned to fit in to the American culture. I thought this was what “living the American dream” was all about at one point, but I was wrong.

How was this for a little “thought leadership”, eh? LOL. I am joking, of course. But then again, who’s to say this isn’t good food for thought for someone else out there going through a similar growing pain? After all, I did call this my “art blog gaga”, a reflection of my own journey. Truth be told, being an artist/business owner is not for the faint of heart, but somehow it feels right for me which has been really refreshing.

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xoxoxo

Blog entry | 31 july | 2022